Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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