She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
