Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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