can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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