u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
