Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
