i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
