when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
