Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
