I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
