I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
