I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
