i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you didnt know i had herpes?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
