A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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