so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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