life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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