Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
