Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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