ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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