I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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