You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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