I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who died my cat blue again?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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