I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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