So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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