My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
