Your face is a jimmy john
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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