Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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