nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
