Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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