ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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