If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
