Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
