Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
