hell yes lets make some ravioli
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
