ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
