your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
