he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
