I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
