you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
