New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
