the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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