we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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