her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
