I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
