Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Terrible idea I love it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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