I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
