just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Shame - the story of my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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