Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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