you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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