I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wear drunk well.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
