just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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