I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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