My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize