meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
